Migratory state of being

Every single day, I go around with a little pain in my heart. It’s the sort of pain that only certain people can understand. These people are called immigrants.

Sometime this month, a familiar date will pass, and I’ll know that I’ve been in the States for 17 years. I’ve been a naturalized citizen for a number of those years. Born and raised in Romania, I came here when I was almost 15. I’ve lived the better part of my life in this country, and yet I still do not feel entirely at home. The States feels familiar, but not familial; it feels like I belong, but I don’t entirely fit in; it feels like home, but I don’t feel at home.

I envy Americans born here, I really do. In some ways, they’re better off than me. They feel something, every day, which I cannot feel; they may not realize it, and they may not even appreciate it, but they feel at home. It’s a priceless sort of feeling, and you don’t understand its true value unless you’re away from home.

It’s a painful way to live. I look around me, at those fortunate enough to have been born here, and they haven’t got my problem. They are at home no matter what part of this great big country they happen to live in — especially those that have been born, raised, and now work in the same cities or regions. They benefit from familiarity with customs, habits, lifestyles, places, people, language, traditions — all those things that make home feel like home. If they’ve moved to another part of the country, no matter how different they think it is, it’s still the USA, and it’s still the same country. Some things still apply, and the overall feeling of home is there.

Although I live in the DC area now, and have done so for the last 4 years, I spent most of my years here in the States in Florida. Still, it doesn’t feel like home. Sure, I know the streets and the neighborhoods. I know the cities and the beaches. When I walk or drive down a certain street, memories from my life there evoke certain emotions that make it familiar. The best word to describe that kind of a feeling is comfortable. When I step into my parents’ home down there, I get the closest feeling of home I can get here in the States. It’s relaxing and peaceful, that’s true. But it’s still not home. And I think my parents understand what I mean, since all three of us came to the States as a family back in 1991.

It would be logical to assume that Romania would feel more like home, since it’s where I was born and raised. You’d only be partly correct. Yes, when I go back there, I feel more at home than here. The strings of my heart vibrate at the same frequency as my birthplace. When I’m there, the air is sweeter, the food tastes better, interactions with people are more meaningful, every sensation is accentuated by the vibrancy of my home land. Sleep is more restful, and life takes on a new, familial rhythm. I feel a peace that I cannot feel here. Yet I do not feel at peace.

There’s the awful rub. In the words of Charles Laughton from the movie “It Started With Eve” (1941), “I’ve been tampered with!” I’ve spent so much time in the States that I’ve grown accustomed to the way of living over here. Not the comfort and abundance of products, though that’s part of it, but the way of life, of doing business, of approaching situations. I no longer fit in, in Romania, and I still do not completely fit in over here, after 17 whole years.

I can function just about anywhere, but am at home nowhere. I’ve got a mongrel heart, a split state of being, and it’s a sad, painful way to go through life, at least for me. A piece of me exists in each country, and I’m forever torn between the two.

It must be even worse for Ligia. She’s only been here for 4 years. She spent her entire life in the same region of the country, in a very close-knit family, among friends and relatives, and the only reason she left all of that was to be with me. It’s probably safe to describe the way she feels every day as home sick. At least she’s lived enough in one country to know which one feels more like home. Although the more time she spends here, the more she’ll bond with this country, till she’ll be just like me, a mongrel spirit.

I think of the pilgrims that came to the new continent from Europe, hundreds of years ago. I wonder how they must have felt, knowing that the likelihood of ever going back to their home lands was next to nothing, and having to face the rough conditions that awaited them in untamed territories. Perhaps the tough lives they led, and the blood, sweat and tears they put into eking out an existence bonded them more to their new homes. Or maybe they sat down on quiet evenings and silently bore pangs of sorrow over the distance that separated them from their birthplaces and ancestral homes.

Then I envy their children, who didn’t (and don’t) have to worry about any of those things. And I yearn for the normalcy and peace which I don’t think I’ll ever reach.


12 thoughts on “Migratory state of being

  1. The same thing can happen if you’ve lived for 12 years in one city, then moved to another and, six years later, moved to another. And were born in another one.
    That’s me: born in Timisoara, I have lived in Orastie, Deva and Hunedoara and briefly in Cluj and Timisoara. I’ve been living in Hunedoara for the past 12 years but I will never be able to say that this is my city, because I didn’t grow up here and never really liked it that much. I also can’t say that Orastie is my city, cause I left it when I was 12 and never came back to live there. I feel that Deva is the closest thing I have to “my city”, but I’ve only lived there for six years or so.
    It’s strange and only a nomad can understand this feeling of not belonging anywhere, not fitting in.
    Thanks for the post and I hope you’ll eventually manage to find your “home”. 🙂

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  2. Am 23 de ani si am trait in ultimii 5 ani in alte tari decat a mea. Postul asta mi-a mers direct la suflet. Cred ca oriunde poti gasi oameni, locuri, obiceiuri care sa te atraga, sa te faca sa te simti bine si sa fii comfortabil. Pentru mine insa, acasa va fi intotdeauna oraselul de provincie unde m-am nascut si am crescut, unde se afla familia mea si inca multi dintre prieteni, unde totul pare mai real si culorile sunt mai vii, dar care, asa cum ai zis si tu, este un loc unde I don’t fit in anymore… Vacantele sunt insa intotdeauna minunate 🙂
    Merci pentru postul asta!

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  3. you are describing an interesting situation, one that is all too familiar to me. the ability to live anywhere, yet feeling at home nowhere. i lived in 6 different countries in the past 10 years. it doesn’t get easier. yet, i no longer envy people who have only known one country. because i know something they never might: home is where your heart is.

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    1. Perhaps your roots are more mobile than mine. Perhaps you’re less tied to your place of birth than I am. Happy you, indeed, if you’ve managed to feel at home in some place.

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